It’s the same roads we’ve driven, More times than I can count, The icy trails just add on, To the warmth, I feel within, I felt so safe sipping my coffee, With you right by my side, Always smiling, yet so cautious, Ah! I felt the warmest… On winter drives with you.
But fate played such a twist, For on the same roads that we drove, You were snatched right before my eyes, Now, the roads are forever red, Stained in your blood, And even the summer breeze, Makes me feel cold, Ah! I feel the chilliest… On summers without you.
You hopped into my life out of thin air, like rainbow without rain in a sunny day. And like any normal person, I blinked, not once but twice, thrice and so many more times I lost count. But there you were, unmoved with a vow to be there. I’ve seen you all through my life, but getting romantically involved with you wasn’t there in my thoughts. Not even in my wildest dream. You were just there, a familiar stranger always in my sight, but never in my life. And that was great, you are a great stranger.
But we talked, we went on and on. Almost all day and night, it was fun and I loved it. Little did I know, I’d be addicted to it. I had long lost my hopes for forever and always, my broken heart saw a little glimmer with ‘one day at time’ with you. It was nice, until I realised my own heart had tricked my mind. Cause when I said ‘one day at a time’ I didn’t mean only one day. I meant ‘one day at a time for the rest of our life.’ It was crazy when I realised it cause I had long erased those words and hopes for it from my mind. Well, at least I had tried. A futile effort, to save myself from another heartbreak.
No no, you didn’t break my heart. I wouldn’t let you. So when you came up with lamest of excuse I believed it. You said you have a weak internet. Okay, but a weak internet and being super busy may stop you from replying fast, or even within a day. But days went on and I waited. I waited and waited, to the point it almost broke my heart to keep waiting. You told me not to wait, but how could I not, I was addicted to you. You were always on my mind, and I needed to get you out of it. Cause, your thought, the need to talk to you drove me insane. I kept checking my inbox, hoping to see you reply. You were on the top my mind, and top of inbox; haunting me with your silence.
So, I did the only logical think I could think of. I pushed you down. The old friends I didn’t talk to, families I lost contact with, and all the people I lost touch with, they all crawled up on my inbox as I pushed you down. It was beautiful getting in touch once again, solved a conflict with a school best friend, got to know the interesting deets about my cousins’ lives that I had no time for before. Well, it was amazing.
But, alas! While I pushed you down on my inbox, I still couldn’t push you down in my mind. So, I did the only thing that has always kept me sane. I wrote. And now that I’m a lot calmed down, I’ll continue writing, but the next thing I’m writing would be stories I left incomplete, not letter to you or poems about you. This is how I choose to stop your thoughts invading my mind.
And next time you hop to the top of my inbox, I won’t reply. Cause then, I wouldn’t have to wait for you to reply back. It’s a promise I’m making to the sanity of my mind, I won’t let you drive me insane again. I won’t waste even a single alphabet texting you, won’t lend you even the tiniest place in my mind.
Cause babe, I like you a lot, but I like being in control of my mind a lot more.
‘Who am I?’, I question myself,
Why am I feeling so dead inside?
I feel tears well up in my eyes
But I don’t understand why.
Then I mask up a smile
And go on with my life,
Rush and rush the day goes
Staying busy helps me get by.
But in most unexpected of moments
Clouds of gloom envelops me again
And I’m there wondering,
Why am I suddenly so sad?
Some days I want to slit my wrist
Or jump off the tallest building
Then I wonder, why would I do that?
I’m a girl who loves life.
I ride my bike the fastest I can
And for a split second, imagine me dead
Then realization hits me straight
Why am I thinking that way?
Why am I drawn so much to death?
This terrifying suicidal instinct!
I’m a girl who loves life
I’ve got so much to live.