I don’t miss you anymore, I figured how not to. That burrito bar that served the worst burrito, but the best burger… I don’t go there anymore. Not even when I crave the juicy succulent burger they serve. The series we promised to finish together… It stays un-watched. Even when I’m tempted to know if Skyler reports Mr. White. My favorite denim jacket, that I always wore… Now hides in the corner of my wardrobe. Even when all I want to wear is that denim jacket. I don’t drink coffee anymore… I run away from the very smell of it. Even when I pass my favourite coffee shop. I figured out how not to miss you. But I miss me! The one who always wore the same denim jacket, And never said no to coffee.
You hopped into my life out of thin air, like rainbow without rain in a sunny day. And like any normal person, I blinked, not once but twice, thrice and so many more times I lost count. But there you were, unmoved with a vow to be there. I’ve seen you all through my life, but getting romantically involved with you wasn’t there in my thoughts. Not even in my wildest dream. You were just there, a familiar stranger always in my sight, but never in my life. And that was great, you are a great stranger.
But we talked, we went on and on. Almost all day and night, it was fun and I loved it. Little did I know, I’d be addicted to it. I had long lost my hopes for forever and always, my broken heart saw a little glimmer with ‘one day at time’ with you. It was nice, until I realised my own heart had tricked my mind. Cause when I said ‘one day at a time’ I didn’t mean only one day. I meant ‘one day at a time for the rest of our life.’ It was crazy when I realised it cause I had long erased those words and hopes for it from my mind. Well, at least I had tried. A futile effort, to save myself from another heartbreak.
No no, you didn’t break my heart. I wouldn’t let you. So when you came up with lamest of excuse I believed it. You said you have a weak internet. Okay, but a weak internet and being super busy may stop you from replying fast, or even within a day. But days went on and I waited. I waited and waited, to the point it almost broke my heart to keep waiting. You told me not to wait, but how could I not, I was addicted to you. You were always on my mind, and I needed to get you out of it. Cause, your thought, the need to talk to you drove me insane. I kept checking my inbox, hoping to see you reply. You were on the top my mind, and top of inbox; haunting me with your silence.
So, I did the only logical think I could think of. I pushed you down. The old friends I didn’t talk to, families I lost contact with, and all the people I lost touch with, they all crawled up on my inbox as I pushed you down. It was beautiful getting in touch once again, solved a conflict with a school best friend, got to know the interesting deets about my cousins’ lives that I had no time for before. Well, it was amazing.
But, alas! While I pushed you down on my inbox, I still couldn’t push you down in my mind. So, I did the only thing that has always kept me sane. I wrote. And now that I’m a lot calmed down, I’ll continue writing, but the next thing I’m writing would be stories I left incomplete, not letter to you or poems about you. This is how I choose to stop your thoughts invading my mind.
And next time you hop to the top of my inbox, I won’t reply. Cause then, I wouldn’t have to wait for you to reply back. It’s a promise I’m making to the sanity of my mind, I won’t let you drive me insane again. I won’t waste even a single alphabet texting you, won’t lend you even the tiniest place in my mind.
Cause babe, I like you a lot, but I like being in control of my mind a lot more.
Yesterday I saw 7 views, 4 likes and I was like, yoohoo there are people reading!
Zero reads, zero visitor, zero likes… that’s how most days goes by.
It does kinda feel lonely looking at blogs with a lot more followers.
But at the same time, I truly respect all the time and dedication they give to their blog. The SEO, SEMs and the amount of research put into it.
While I’d love to have a well-functioning blog someday, right now I can’t even make up what do I write about.
Everything I write about are things that touches me, things that move me and the things that abruptly pop up from my imagination. And being a very fickle minded person, no two days are the same. I just write for the joy of writing. It’s a therapy to me, helps me collect my thoughts.
Now I guess being read feels really amazing too.
It’s like, ‘I’m not the only person reading my blog.’
You’re amazing. It’s incredible how you hustle all day long to make sure your kid gets everything they want. From putting food on table, to making sure your child gets the best possible education you can afford, the toys they want, and so much more. You’re incredible.
But for a moment pause. When was the last time you spent some quality time with your child? Exchanging greetings or ordering chores don’t count. When was the last time you went on vacation as a family? When was the last time your child spoke his/her heart out to you? Does he/she feel comfortable sharing his/her problems with you?
I know you love your kid, and you’re doing your very best to be an ideal parent. But think about one good memory you have with your parents? What are the things you remember?
A bicycle on your kid’s birthday will definitely cheer him/her up. But it is more important for you to be there? Don’t let your desire to provide your kid with the very best of everything, stop you from creating the best moments with the person who mean the most to you. You see, presence can never replace presents.
Many years down the line, the things you’ve given might be lost or forgotten; it is the moments you shared that remains engraved in the heart. So, while you’re on a race to give your child to world, remember you are your child’s world. Don’t steal that from them. Don’t only be their provider or bread earner, be their best friend, be the person they can trust. Be there for your kid, and not just financially.
Love,
Daughter of super-duper parents
P.S. I’d give up all the luxuries I enjoy in a heartbeat for quality time my parents
To the one who already gave up on Resolution 2020,
When was it, the first week of January, or did you make it to February? What kept you from going on? Was it the day to day routine that couldn’t make space for something you wanted to achieve or was it mere laziness?
Here’s something you should know, you don’t need to wait for January 1,2021 to get back on track. It’s just dates and days, it keeps coming and going.
You don’t have to wait for a Monday, you don’t even have to wait for tomorrow. Get back on track now! Go back in your mind to the time you thought you’d do it, then what happened now?
